More Choice - Not Such a Good Thing?

I see a lot of talk of encouraging people to get into cycling and a lot of effort put in by some truly dedicated people to try and do just that, but could the world of modern biking be its own worst enemy when trying to tempt the 'bike curious'?

Back around the time I was a smelly kid with properly ginger hair, I imagine choosing a style of bike to suit a person's needs best was a fairly simple task. You had racers of course (drop bars, skinny tyres, silly short mudguards, and oh, as many as ten derailleur gears etc), and tourers (drop bars, proper mudguards, also derailleured up), roadsters (flat bars, cable brakes, three speed Sturmey Archer) and whatever Grandad bikes were properly known as (curly handlebars, rod brakes, weighed the same as the hill you had to push them up).

Now though, things are just a little different, and we have far, far, more choice available which is obviously a good thing. Or is it?

“Can I help you sir?”

“Well yes, I'm thinking of getting a bicycle again so I'm having a look around to see what is available and so on”

“Well you're in the right place sir, we have everything you need to get you on the road. Now what sort of bike does sir have in mind?

“Erm... well I don't know really, what about mountain bikes?”

“Of course, well we have downhill, cross country, trail, enduro, all mountain and fat bikes to choose from, and would sir prefer full suspension, hard tail or rigid?”

“Erm... what's the diff...”

“26, 27.5 or 29 inch wheels? Maybe 27.5 plus or 29 plus would perhaps suit?”

“Well I'm thinking of maybe riding to work now and then, a few canal paths perhaps at the weekends so whatever is best for tha...

“Well there is also the range of hybrids available”

“Hybrids?”

“Yes, not quite a road bike, not quite a mountain bike. The 'Particular' brand is very popular in this segment, we have the Particular Cross Road, the Particular Cross Road Disc, the Particular Cross Road Sport Disc, the Particular Cross Road Sport Disc Pro, the Particular Cross Road Sport Disc Pro Elite, the Particular Cross Road Pro Sport Disc Pro Elite Pro, the Particular Cross Ro...”

“Erm...I'm not sure...about those... I might...”

“Or if sir prefers drop bars we have Cyclo cross bikes, gravel bikes, less gravel but a bit of mud bikes, endurance and adventure bikes...”

“Are they like racers, I used to have a racer – a ten speed Whitworth Wiley Whippet with Huret 5 speed derailleur and Dunlop Thornfinder Max tyres...”

“Ah we don't call them racers any more sir, we call them road bikes now.”

“Ok, what about them?”

“What sort of frame would sir like?”

“Large I expect”

“No sir, I mean would sir prefer Alloy, Steel, Titanium or Carbon Fibre?”

“Carbon Fibre, that's a bit high tech, what are they like?”

“Cost more than a small car, weigh less than a chocolate mouse with the nose bitten off. Very fast, fly up hills, but they need a bit of care...”

“In what way?”

“Don't leave them out in the rain”

“oh”

“Or direct sun”

“What really?”

“Or frost”

“Why?”

“The front end will fall off.”

“What?”

“Yep, it's the weave of the carbon fibre you see, it gets wet so water gets into the weave, or it dries out or gets brittle in the frost, and the forks snap, or the frame breaks, or the handlebars come off, but they are a delight to ride, very fast bikes.”

“I see, well I need to give all this some thought.”

“If sir buys a road bike then we also have all the technology to assist sir in his riding.”

“Technology?”

“Yes sir, we have computers that record speed, average speed, mileages, calories burned, carbons saved, cadence, heart rate, breathing rate, act as navigation devices, and can download up to three series of Strictly Come Dancing or the X Factor for on road catch ups. Sir will also want Striver of course.”

“Striver?”

“Yes, Striver. It uses GPS to log all your rides, how fast you went at each point on the exact route for example, then uploads the data in the form of maps, graphs, pie charts, bar charts, and spread sheets to the internet for everyone else to examine.”

“Sounds... well a bit scary... people will be able to see what I was doing?”

“Oh yes sir”

“That's... actually a bit creepy...”

“Well it's just so someone else can see how fast you went, so they can then go out and strive to go faster than you and make themselves feel superior. It's very good.”

“Erm...”

“Sir would need a helmet of course, and all the correct clothing too and we have everything you need, so we can do a good deal on a complete package. ”

“ A helmet? Do I have to have one?”

“Oh yes, some other cyclists will throw things at you, and call you reckless and foolish, and of course you want to be safe, and a helmet will protect you against an impact on the very top of your head. It might also catch in railings or on the ground and break your neck, but better to be safe eh? It all depends on how much sir values his head”

“Oh, so how much is this helmet then?”

“That one's twenty five pounds sir”

“Hmmmm... what about trousers”

“Shorts or tights?”

“I'm sorry, trousers... tights are for women aren't they”

“No sir, men wear tights all the time now, they're very....mmmmm very nice... mmmm... ahem...over trousers? For when it's raining?”

“No, just for cycling in”

“Ah well there aren't any trousers as such, but if sir chooses a road bike then sir would be wanting lycra shorts, best worn without underwear, and for maximum comfort a quick smear of some Boddithwaite's Bum Butter before each ride will prevent any soreness.”

“But won't people be able to see... you know... my bits?

“Yes sir, the shorts are slightly transparent so following traffic can get a good view of sir's bum crack while the tight fit will show every contour of sir's 'bits'.”

“That's a bit rude isn't it?”

“Nobody cares what anyone else thinks these days sir”

“Well I care, I don't want to be waving my man package inches from the face of an old dear eating a buttered scone in a coffee shop as I walk past or anything...”

“Well anyway, moving on from shorts we have all the team tops, so you can pretend to be Bradley Wiggins or...”

“Lance Armstrong?”

“No. Not Lance Armstrong sir.”

“Do you sell all the drugs too... <sniggering>?

“We have energy drinks and power gels if that what sir means. But if sir doesn't want a team top we have some with household brand names such as this one for Old Thrutchinsons Rancid Rat Bitter”, or there's Lancashire Tea, Durex...”

“Durex?”

“Yes, if a rider is going to look like one, he might as well dress like a co...”

“What are these funny Banana shoes?”

“Those are clipless shoes sir”

“Clipless?”

“Yes, they clip in to clipless pedals for better pedaling efficiency”

“So your feet are clipped onto the pedals?”

“Yes sir”

“What happens when you get to a red light and can't get your foot unclipped?”

“You fall over”

“What happens then?”

“You look a bit of a tit sir”

“No I meant can I still get my foot out... oh no don't worry, thanks for your help, I'll go away and have a think...”

All that nonsense is of course just a bit of an exaggeration but it is a phennom... it is a phenone... it is thing that the retail industry, particularly the supermarket side, recognises and it's called options paralysis or something of that ilk. Too much choice can actually be harmful by bamboozling and confusing a customer to such an extent that a sale could be lost.

You have had a hard day at work, the cupboards at home are emptier than Old Mother Hubbard's, so what are you going to eat? Must be something quick and easy. Beans on toast! So in you go and looking for bread. Well there's Brown Bread, White Bread and all sorts of Wholemeal Bread, which is sounding like a song... but anyway, you go for White, medium sliced, and head eagerly to the beans aisle. There you are confronted by so many options – which size tin to buy? There's buy one get one free here, 10% extra free there, buy three for the price of two and then there are beans with sausages, beans with cheese, beans with eggs, bangers burgers and other bits in them, BBQ flavoured beans, Curry flavoured beans, Chilli flavoured beans, veggie beans, low salt beans, low fat beans, low sugar beans, low beans beans - beans, beans, flipping beans and that's before you even look at brands, and sub brands – Cheapo stripey label 'on benefits beans' or 'Picked by you' beans? Who was able to pick anything at all you wonder. If you get supermarket own brand beans, will you regret it? Would the big name brand beans be worth the three times more cost? In the end, your poor frazzled brain just can't cope and you go into meltdown, you scream in frustration, lob the bread over the top of the aisles and decide to have a Pot Noodle instead.... Now, Regular or King size?

Actually bigger choice has to be better for getting the ideal product for the job in hand, but it can all seem a bit daunting at first acquaintance, and no one wants to spend a chunk of money and feel like they've bought the wrong bike, or beans or whatever. Thankfully my needs are satisfied very simply. I've studied all that is available and concluded, after much deliberation that I need a bike that is... cheap.

Cheap can also be good in fact because an entry level bike is probably (if the manufacturers have any sense) going to be 'user friendly' and not some fast steering, backside busting, twitchy nightmare, so the chances of being put off cycling are less than when stumping up a whole hill of dosh for some super hi tech piece of kit that frustrates when not used in its narrow design focus.

The other good thing in all this, is that despite what the magazines, showroom sales people and other cyclists will tell you, none of a lot of the above is compulsory or matters much. You certainly don't need to dress like a technicolour sperm if you don't want to. If the bike you choose is a bit slow up hills, or the fork is a bit bouncy, so what, just enjoy riding it within its limitations. Because if you do enjoy riding, you'll soon be shopping for another to add to the stable, and another after that, and rather than off putting and confusing, the buying process then makes sense and becomes a lot of fun.

I don't know, the things you think of and concoct in your head when you're laid up in bed with the Manflu...